Enemy... Enemy Who? And A High School Legacy Is Born.

On Myspace, you have the option of putting your current mood, and they offer a drop-down list of colorful adjectives to pinpoint that mood. I didn't want to put something bland like "bored" or "tired" or "ninja," so I selected among all of the options the most obscure and garbled word I could find. It was tied between "obsequious" and "pugnacious," so I've just been randomly cycling between the two. My curiosity led me to look up the actual definitions of these words. If I am "obsequious," I am an ass-kissing flatterer. If I am "pugnacious," I am volatile and trying to pick fights.

As of late, I couldn't feel more like both of these words. I feel like I'm trying to appease everyone, and the second I get backlash I strike out like an armless baseball player. And then come up with obscure similes. My personality has taken on an extreme quality, and, bit by bit, is shuffling everyone in my life into a "friends" pile and an "enemies" pile. Some would say I've gotten bitchier this year; I could agree, but not without qualifying that it's because I'm getting rid of the gray area in my relationships.

"But J-Mil, isn't that a sign of Borderline Personality Disorder?"

Well, I'll answer your question with another question: just how do YOU know the symptoms of BPD?

I find myself blind with fury quite frequently. It used to be something to revel in; I even wrote a pretty decent journal entry on it some time ago... but that's the past. It's like eating an entire chocolate bunny at once: okay, you had your fun moment of shameless indulgence, but now it's time to hop back on that treadmill and return to the caloric reality. I pride myself in acknowledging the problem and addressing it, but it's going to take persistence to keep myself at the healthy state of complacency I've maintained in the past. Gosh, the past... I used to have no enemies. Now I have enemies, and the worst part is, I catch myself caring from time to time. I just feel really uncomfortable having people hate me, because that implies that I have done something to make them hate me. Although, in all the cases that come to mind... I didn't really do anything that was out of line.

I maintain the worst enemies. Fortunately, I think it's safe to say I don't have enough for them to all band up and toss me into a lake with cement shoes, but they are "dangerous" individuals. "Dangerous" is in quotes because they're not dangerous in the sense that they're some badass punks who wanna ruffle my feathers real good-like; they're "dangerous" in that their minds are severely underdeveloped and may result in them doing very stupid things. I don't get along with idiots. It's just a fact. I can't hold a conversation with them that they (or I) will find fruitful, and frankly, I just don't get kicks from downing a keg of Patron and then going around cow-tipping. Now, that may be condescending, that may be insensitive, and this blog may be very uninteresting to you right now, but gosh darn it this is MY corner of the internet and I'll use whatever $5 words I want.

And so the question I pose is this: would you rather your worst enemy be intelligent, or stoopid? I haven't had the pleasure of having a "worst" enemy, but in general the people I don't get along with have mostly been stupid individuals. Stupid as in ignorant. Stupid as in their face turns purple and they start biting things if they can't think of anything to say to me (this has been an "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" reference moment).

Stupid Adversary: That's 'enemy', moron. A stupid adversary is useful because I always feel smarter and therefore more in control of the situation. Also, it's harder for people to side with a stupid person because... they have usually done something stupid. However, stupid people do impulsive things, like filling your car up with rocks in a fit of rage, or stealing your television set. Stupid adversaries may boost your confidence, but they'll really hurt your wallet. Or they might try to stab you. Either way, it's unappealing in that sense.

Intelligent Adversary: This has only happened to me a couple times, so bear with me. The pros are essentially the lack of cons. An intelligent adversary is probably not going to commit some heinous crime, because they'd be smart enough not to do something illegal that could land their sorry ass in jail. Also, if you "one-up" them on something you feel far more accomplished. The negative aspects, however, are blows to the ego. If they're smart they probably associate with people you respect, and that's just awkward. You also have to stay on your toes or else they'll "one-up" you until you can't be upped any higher. PLUS if you set one toe out of line, you'll become a "stupid adversary," so you have to make an effort to stay on par with them.

Making these comparisons, I realize... I just don't want enemies in the first place! I like being liked. And I like liking people. It's just hard sometimes. People can be so saucy sometimes. But I made a pact with myself a couple nights ago to not say anything bad/mean about anyone. This sucks though because it's going to be really hard, and I have the loophole of THINKING bad/mean things. But I'm working on it. In the old days I imagine there were people I didn't like... maybe I just ignored them and that's why no real incidents stand out in my mind. So that's what I'll do. I'll ignore the people I dislike. No use in dwelling on negative thoughts, eh?

Breaking News! Hypocrite Writes Extensive Blog About An Issue She Claims To Have No Use Dwelling On

In unrelated news, I am pleased to announce that I have a legacy at my high school!!! *cue noise makers and confetti* I have a couple, but this one will actually count! I wrote a song my junior year to get my AP US History class psyched for the test. It's to the tune of "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey... only it's called "Don't Stop Achievin'." All of my old APUSH teacher's classes sang it this past week before they took their exam, and apparently it's been catching on. Well, I'm glad to hear it. Annnnd I don't seem to have the lyrics in any sort of Word Document, so I can't post them... I'll ask for them later. In the meantime, here's a song I wrote last year for a scholarship, which I did not get. It is to the tune of "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen.

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Scholarship Rhapsody

My education’s
More than just fantasy
But to continue
I need a university.
Expand my mind,
Look over these rhymes
And see…
I’m just a poor girl,
I need more currency
Because colleges come,
I want to go;
Ambition’s high,
Funds are low.
And if you could help me
I’d like your philanthropy…
Aid me.
Wanna… send me to school?
I want to learn even more
Than in these twelve years before.
Wanna… help me pay the fees
For an education I won’t throw away?
Wanna? (Ooo-oo-oo)
Don’t make me beg and cry;
A brilliant mind is just within my reach!
Let me live,
Let me learn,
Because my future matters.
Twelve years, my time has come.
A senior trying to find
Ways to open up her mind.
Goodbye, to my high school.
I’ve got to go,
For it’s time to be a savvy college kid.
So, wanna? (Ooo-oo-oo)
I promise I’ll try hard,
And sometimes join in recreational clubs!
[musical interlude]
I see a glimpse of success on the horizon
Scholarship! Scholarship!
Will you pay my expenses?
Loaning and co-signing
Is so very frightening! Please:
Save a spot in save a spot in,
Save a spot in save a spot in,
Save a spot in spot in a university
-ty-ty-ty.
I’m just a poor girl,
Head full of knowledge.
I’M JUST A POOR GIRL,
SAVE ME A SPOT IN COLLEGE.
I WANT TO MAKE SURE
MY FUTURE IS SOLID.
Ambition’s high,
Funds are low,
Will you help me go?
Save a spot, oh!
Will you please help me go?
A spot, oh!
In college, oh!
Will you please help me go?
A spot, oh!
In college, oh!
Will you please help me go?
Will you help me go?
Help me go!
Will you help me go?
Off to college, oh, oh, oh, oh
I want to go, go, go, go, GO!
Save a spot in
Save a spot in
Save a spot in college, yo!
I love to write
And I love imagining stories,
So please… Please… PLEASE?
[musical interlude]
I have always been one to get hand cramps and
gray palms galore,
Because once I write something I always
want to write more!
Oh, college
Filled with infinite knowledge,
Please help me write,
Write my way right outta here.
[musical interlude]
Yes, it really matters
As you can well see,
I exclaimed in the
Bohemian Rhapsody…

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Have a great night, everybody.