Titus Andronicus: The Dark Comedy

For my Shakespeare class we have a final paper to do, and fortunately for me, my professor allows for more creative options. What I've decided to do is write two different modern-day versions of one ambiguous Shakespeare scene, and then use the rest of the essay to compare the two (for the sake of attempting to maintain that whole "essay" aspect of the... essay). I chose to rewrite Act IV, Scene 1 of Titus Andronicus in two ways: as a tragedy, and as a dark comedy. The tragedy version is exactly what you expect it to be, so I didn't really see the point in posting it. What I HAVE posted is the other version which, in my opinion, milks this scene a lot better.

So without further ado, I present a J-Mil rendition of

Titus Andronicus: The Dark Comedy

(Young LUCIUS runs in wearing a backpack, LAVINIA following behind with her bloody stumps stretched out towards him and making disgusting gurgling noises because her tongue is cut out)

(Enter TITUS and MARCUS)

LUCIUS.Uncle! She won’t leave me alone! She’s been chasing me around all day.
MARCUS. Don’t be insensitive, Lucius. It’s just your Aunt Lavinia!
(LAVINIA lurches towards young LUCIUS, who jumps back in fear)
TITUS. See? She only wants a hug.
LUCIUS. (some distance away from her) I’m fine right here.
(LAVINIA is making exaggerated, absurd fervent motions and more ugly gurgling sounds)
MARCUS. Looks like SOMEBODY wants attention. What is it, girl?
TITUS. Oh, I love charades. At the Christmas party last year I got everyone to guess “All’s Well That Ends Well”… in thirty seconds! I’m the king at this game. (suddenly remembering LAVINIA is there) No, no, Lavinia. You’re doing it wrong. First you have to tell us if it’s a song, movie or book. (at the word “book” LAVINIA flaps and gurgles)
MARCUS. Book! It’s a book!
TITUS. Okay… but I’m going to dock you points for not doing the proper hand motion. What book? (LAVINIA does the corresponding hand movements as in traditional charades, only with her stumps) One word… five syllables…
LUCIUS. I know! “Twilight: Breaking Dawn!”
MARCUS. ONE word, Lucius.
TITUS. Hmmm… five-syllable words… ‘Inexplicable’… ‘Curmudgeonliness’… ‘Discombobulate’?
(A very frustrated LAVINIA forces the backpack off young LUCIUS and beings pawing at the books)
LUCIUS. Rape! Rape!
TITUS. I give up, Lavinia. I’m stumped.
MARCUS. Wait, look. She’s using her stumps to turn the pages. What book is that?
LUCIUS. Ovid’s “Metamorphoses.” She turned to the story of Philomel.
TITUS. The girl who was raped by Tereus? (LAVINIA makes a “Yes… AND!...” motion with her stumps) Oh my God! That’s what happened to you?
MARCUS. Poor Lavinia. Who did this to you? Tell us. (LAVINIA begins gurgling, MARCUS cuts her off:) –Er, don’t TELL us tell us.
LUCIUS. Who’s up for Round Two of charades?
TITUS. Don’t be ridiculous, Lucius. She’s terrible at that game. (spying a walking stick) Wait, I have an idea. (to LAVINIA) All you need to do is write the names of the perpetrators in the sand with this stick. (TITUS gives the stick to her to hold, but she, having no hands, drops it) Well, if you’re not going to cooperate… (LAVINIA picks the stick up with her stumps and her feet and begins writing in the sand)
MARCUS. She’s done it. (reading) Do my eyes deceive me?
TITUS. There it is, plain as day: “Rap: Chevron, Dime trees.” (LAVINIA shakes her head and fixes the legibility of her writing with the walking stick) Oh. “Rape: Chiron, Demetrius.” Can it be?
MARCUS. Tamora’s sons? But they seemed like such nice guys. It’s no matter. We must all make an oath right here, right now, to avenge Lavinia and shed the blood of her perpetrators. Everyone put your hands in. (they all put their hands in. LAVINIA is the last one to put her stump in, and when she does the three men try and fail to hold back their looks of sheer disgust) Um… ugh… (swallowing vomit) Okay. We here swear to kill those vile Goths. One, two, three, break!
ALL. Break!
TITUS. Everyone meet at my house in an hour. There, we can make proper plans. I’ll provide the snacks.