Apples to Apples
by Jessica Miller
(Scene opens to four APPLES “hanging from a tree.” They could be holding onto invisible branches above their heads, or even a bar. Something to signify that they are hanging. They are all extraordinarily chipper and cordial… so much it’s just stupid. Even when something hurts or upsets them, they immediately return to a state of cheeriness. They are also very naïve and speak in high voices.)
MAC. Well good morning!
FUJI, ROMY & GRANNY SMITH. (not unison) Hey! Hi! Howdy!
MAC. (deep breath in, taking in the sun) Ahh! Isn’t it just a marvelous day to be an apple?
GRANNY SMITH. It certainly is. Look at that sun!
ROMY. (looks at sun) Ow!
FUJI. So bright and shiny…
MAC. Just like us! Ee hee hee! (THEY all giggle at this observation)
ROMY. So, Mac, what are your plans for today?
MAC. I dunno, just sort of hanging around I guess.
ROMY. Oh, wonderful! I was going to lay out in the sun; get my skin a little darker. What about you, Fuji?
FUJI. Well, I’ve been photosynthesizing for the past several months; I think I’ve earned a break. You guys wanna hang out?
ROMY & MAC. Yaaay!
FUJI. Sweet! (THEY all settle, hanging there silently, grinning stupidly)
MAC. …So! You guys read any good books lately?
ROMY. What’s a book?
MAC. I don’t know. (more silence)
FUJI. Life sure is great.
MAC. Life is golden delicious! Ee hee hee! (THEY all giggle once again)
GRANNY SMITH. It certainly is! But do you guys ever wonder… (sort of spaces out)
FUJI. What, Granny Smith?
GRANNY SMITH. What’s— well, below us?
ROMY. Not really. The sky is just too pretty! (stares up at the sun) Ow!
FUJI. I do, but my tummy is too round for me to see under. Boop! (pokes belly. EVERYONE looks down and ‘boops’ their own bellies as well)
GRANNY SMITH. I get to wondering what’s down there. If there’s like, a… lower power, or something.
MAC. I like to keep an open mind about it.
FUJI. (looking off into the distance) Say! Who’s that?
ROMY. Who’s what?
FUJI. That human coming toward our tree.
MAC. My, what a lovely basket she’s holding!
GRANNY SMITH. Golly, is that real wicker?
FUJI. Oh, I’m sure it is.
ROMY. Here she comes. Quick, be apples! (THEY all freeze in cheery poses with the stupid grins on their faces)
MAC. (Through teeth) What’s that thing she’s holding?
GRANNY SMITH. I don’t know, but she’s climbing right up it.
FUJI. Maybe she wants to say hello!
ALL. Hellooooo! (Waving fervently)
(ROMY is suddenly detached, or “plucked”)
ROMY. Ow! Oohoo, this feels funny… (climbs into a “basket,” which is placed beneath him/her. The basket is probably a large cut-out)
FUJI. Where’d ja go, Romy?
ROMY. (dazed) I don’t… know…
(MAC is then “plucked” as well, and gets in the basket)
MAC. Wheeeeeeeeeee…
GRANNY SMITH. Mac! Romy! You little rascals. Where are you?
MAC and ROMY. (trance-like) The hands… the hands are warm… the hands will take you away and put you in the happy wicker place…
FUJI. Well what’s that supposed to—(FUJI is “plucked” next) Whoo! (sudden transformation into trance-like state) Come join us, Granny… Come join us in the happy wicker place… where allllll your apples are pumpkins…
GRANNY SMITH. …What?
FUJI. I don’t… know…
GRANNY SMITH. I like it fine right here, fellas. Look how sunny it is! (does a little apple-like dance) Come back up here!
ROMY. You do not resist the hand… the hand chooses you…
GRANNY SMITH. (A little nervous) N… Nah, I don’t wanna! I’m gonna stay right here forever and evers. Doo dee doo dee doo… (more little apple dances. While dancing, GRANNY SMITH suddenly stumbles) Wh—whoah—whoaaaah! (falls into the basket) How’d I get here?!
ROMY. You defied the hand,
FUJI. So The Great Tree expelled you.
GRANNY SMITH. Wha… huh? Does anyone else smell cinnamon?
MAC. What’s cinnamon?
GRANNY SMITH. I don’t know.
(ROMY is suddenly “picked up” by “the hand.” This is mimed)
ROMY. The hand has chosen me! All praise the glorious hand! (Taken off stage. The others watch him/her from on stage) What a beautiful shiny… Ow! Ow! Ow! (The APPLES look horrified)
FUJI. (Screaming at the invisible hand) You’re sick! You’re sick! How could you do that? Romy was barely even ripe!
MAC. (Holding stomach) I feel my applesauce coming up…
GRANNY SMITH. I knew it! I knew it! The hand is not to be trusted!
FUJI. Poor Romy… the only worse fate I could imagine is being eaten alive. (The hand picks up FUJI) No! I trusted you! We trusted you! Let me go! Ahhhh! (FUJI is taken off stage and MAC and GRANNY SMITH watch in horror)
GRANNY SMITH. Well Mac, it’s just you and me.
MAC. Never give up hope, Granny Smith! As fruits we are many, but as Malus domestica we are one! We have to stand together.
GRANNY SMITH. I don’t have legs!
MAC. Hold my stem.
GRANNY SMITH. Okay! (THEY grab each other’s stems for dear life. The hand plucks both of them at the same time) I love you, Mac.
MAC. What’s love?
GRANNY SMITH. I don’t know. Hang on! (THEY are taken off stage screaming melodramatically. A blender whirs)
(Enter a young GIRL, sitting at a table. A MOTHER enters carrying a slice of apple pie on a plate. She sets the plate down in front of the GIRL)
MOTHER. Fresh out of the oven, sweetheart.
GIRL. Mmm. Thanks, Mom!
MOTHER. Don’t fill up, though. Dinner’s in a bit, and if you eat everything on your plate, we’ll have a special something for dessert.
GIRL. Oooh, like what?
MOTHER. Your favorite… banana flambé!
No comments:
Post a Comment