How To Make It Appear As Though You Have A Mountain Climber's Axe Smashed In Your Skull

Today was slightly more productive than yesterday in the respect that I carpentered something with my bare hands. And I left the house for more than just going to the freezer in the garage to see if we have any Shrimp and Angel Hair Pasta Lean Cuisines left (we don't).

See, I'm directing a one-act called "Variations On the Death Of Trotsky" by David Ives. Ives is a genius and I will send a cookie jar of anthrax to anyone who thinks otherwise. This one-act is hilarious. It's an abstract scene displaying eight separate variations on how Leon Trotsky died. We know that he died August 20th, 1940, with an ice pick smashed ("not buried; you can still see the handle") into his skull, which was wielded by a Spanish Communist posing as a gardener (Ives particularly pokes fun at the fact that the Britannica got it wrong by saying it was a mountain climber's axe when it was, in fact, an ice pick). But how did this death play out? "Trotsky" hilariously depicts the interactions between Trotsky, Mrs. Trotsky, and Ramon the gardener as they go about deciding what to make of the fact that Trotsky, fully conscious, has a mountain climber's axe buried-- er, smashed-- in his skull.

This one-act is going up this Thursday, and we needed to get a mountain climber's axe sturdily held onto Trotsky's head. So, here's what I did:

1. Using a paper towel roll, I created a slender handle by cutting a line down the tube and rolling it up thinner. I then sealed it with black duct tape.
2. I made the blade by making a lightweight, wooden cut-out shaped like a slivered moon, cut in half horizontally.
3. After sanding down the edges of the "blade," I coated it in silver duct tape to give it a more metallic appearance.
4. I then cut slits at the diameter in the top of the paper towel roll, each long enough that I could insert the middle of the blade into them, with about a centimeter sticking out.
5. From there, I covered the entire handle with black duct tape and sealed off the end of it, and then hot-glued the handle and the blade together for reinforcement.
6. So I had my ice pick. Using an ugly white wig my sister used for her Marilyn Monroe Halloween costume last year, I hot-glued the wider end of the blade to the top of the wig, attaching some strands as well for a firmer hold.
7. It was still floppy when I tried it on, so I cut out a 2"x2" square out of the same wood I used for the blade; very thin.
8. I hot-glued the square to the inside of the wig, connecting it to the base of the blade. This kept the blade firm in place and kept the handle from jiggling all over the place.

The finished product:


Model: Trotsky's Skull


A test of endurance


Base of the blade


Wooden cut-out inserted inside the wig


Model: Sexy Beast

The results were stunning. Only problem is, when I took it to my Trotsky this morning the wig didn't fit his head, so I have to try and hunt for a new one. At any rate, I'm proud at my own innovation.

That was today... it's only 4pm, but I don't expect much else to happen. After holding a semi-productive rehearsal I came home, drank soup out of a popcorn bowl, and watched Punk'd because it was the only thing on. I'm in a better mood today than I was yesterday. Issues got resolved, friends pulled through, and I read a few more pages of "Catch-22."

It's an excellent read-- absofruitly hilarious, but you have to be consciously reading it or else you'll get lost quickly. The diction is highly elevated and it seems like three more characters are introduced every time I blink. It's tough work staying on top of everyone's quirks and everyone's relationships to everybody, but if all else fails you can read it blindly and point out every time the author makes an ironic remark. It happens... too frequently. I get a kick out of it, anyway.