How Robberies Happen At Whittier College.

It starts off very simply. You go to Campus Movie Fest and watch a bunch of great videos, including one you made. You don't get an award, but eh, it was mostly for the experience. While you are at Campus Movie Fest, you see the man of your dreams there with his girlfriend, who you just found out about at that very moment. Practicing the healthy habit of emotional eating, you decide to go to The Spot and order ice cream or something to console yourself. You saw people eating McFlurry's on a tv show the other day and they looked, like, really good.

You step inside the student lounge on your way to The Spot and what should be on the television but It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, the best show in the world. And is that the new season? Sure looks like it. You slide into one of the couches and watch for a bit with some other students.

As soon as the show hits a commercial break, you set your purse down to hold your prime Sunny seating and slide over to The Spot and ask if they have like oreo milkshakes or something. They say no. You ask if they have anything like ice cream, and they point you to the freezer full of Ben n Jerry's. But you know if you get one you'll eat the whole thing, so you refuse. You look at them desperately. They say they have smoothies. You ask if they have any... you know... not-fruit flavored kinds, because you figure this is as close as you will get to a McFlurry. They say oh yes, they have strawberry and-- You cut them off. No, any that aren't fruit. And they explain oh no, there's no fruit, it's a strawberry syrup-- You stop them and reiterate yourself one more time and they say yes, and begin to list off flavors like strawberry, mango, pineapple-- you say you'll look in the freezer and leave the counter.

You hover around The Spot for a while and settle on a nice slice of cake with chocolate icing instead. Yum. Excited to settle down and watch some Sunny with a fat slice of cake, you return to the student lounge... only to find that your purse, and all the people that were sitting around it, are gone. How the FUCK could this happen, you wonder. You knew the kid sitting next to you... he drove you to that... that... Jewish temple fieldtrip thing! You guys were in a carpool together! Isn't there some sacred bond of trust once you carpool with someone? You can't believe this would happen. Thank God your wallet wasn't in that bag. That's just it-- there was nothing in that bag but a bunch of pens and loose tic tacs... it was just a really cool purse! God damn it!

You interrogate a few guys sitting by where you were. They say they saw the people watching tv all get up and leave, but that you didn't see them with the bag. You fume. You begin committing hypothetical murders in your head. You storm out the door seeing if you can find the culprits and suddenly you realize-- your brand new fucking PHONE was in that bag. Yup. That's gone too. FUCK. You stomp around the Campus Center, which is buzzing with people enjoying their late night barbeque. You look for the culprit but do not see them. You are only capable at making nondistinct growling noises at anyone who makes eye contact with you for too long.

During all this you are holding a slice of cake on a plate.

You cannot conceive of being robbed in the student lounge at Whittier College, where people go the whole year without locking their doors. Whittier students had always seemed so honest. You chug back to your dorm in disbelief. You stare angrily down at your cake. Then you have a bite of it. It's not even that good. COME ON.

You walk all the way up the stairs to your dorm, where you see a figure stooped at the top. You think nothing of this until you hear four magical words: "Is this your purse?" A guy is sitting at your door with your purse... and your phone, too! He says that he dialed the last contact you called, which just happens to be your roommate. She's not on campus but she has told him where to go. You thank him profusely. He says he saw it sitting by itself in the student lounge. You realize that, oops, technically he is the one who took your purse, but he did it out of being a good Samaritan so you thank him again. The Whittier community did not let you down!

You have your purse and phone back. But the guy who gave them back to you is gay, so no remedy for your other boy issue. And maybe next time you should get mozarella sticks.