Top 5 Concerns Of the Day: The First Installment

Welcome to J-Mil's first installment of

Top 5 Concerns Of the Day
Where J-Mil lists the top 5 concerns of the day

5. Oil. We're lacking where we need it and oversupplied where we could do without it. My skin has been out to get me. At the end of the day my nose is so shiny you could fix your mascara in the reflection it holds. And those nasty little ruptures-- for lack of a better word ('pimple' is NOT a better word)-- are cropping up everywhere; simply filled with oils. And when you try to tamper with these ruptures, the oil from your fingers gets all over your face and then MORE appear. So you decide to refrain from touching your face in any manner, and then the oil from your HAIR gets all over your face over the course of a day or a good night's sleep. WE NEED LESS OIL. At least, about 30% percent[1] of all skin types do.

4. The increasingly fine line between hip-hop and techno. Keep your genres to yourselves! Hip-hop and techno are two of the most prominent types of music that require little to no vocal talent (at the top of the list is Disney pop stars). Hip-hop relies on the ability to make up sexual tongue twisters[2] and recite them on rhythm, or dragging out a word for as many syllables as possible[3]. Techno relies on synthesizers, so it doesn't matter if your voice sounds like crap because we can just make it sound like you're belting it through a plastic tube and all will be fine. The fact that these two genres are coming together is particularly awful because A.) mainstream music will now have twice-less substance as before, and B.) it will be churned out at an unprecedented, head-spinning rate. We'll go into the formula for producing a hip-hop song and a techno song some other time.

3. Play and movie plots. Theatre and film have developed a strange Coke-Pepsi relationship. One comes up with an idea, the other takes it. But at least with Coke and Pepsi you got new flavors; you just get two of them to choose from. Here's what's happening in the arts: playwrights and film producers are running out of ideas-- or maybe they're just lazy[4]-- so the product is plays based on movies and movies based on plays. Film has stolen plays and musicals such as Hairspray, Dream Girls, Doubt, and Grease. Likewise, theatre has stolen several movies such as Young Frankenstein, Rocky Horror Picture Show, High School Musical, and Grease. They slide by because they choose the classics to imitate. Sadly, books are also being ripped off, and even worse, people's lives. That's right. Writers can't even create their own characters anymore, so they steal the lives of profound people and turn them into shows. For instance: Milk, Frost-Nixon, Marie Antoinette, and W... As a disclaimer I will say that most of these are very good shows/films, and they have reaped a much deserved success. But it's the PRINCIPLE of the matter.

2. The 6-hour Energy commercial.



Worst. Commercial. Ever. Allow me to pick it apart:

• I know "sex appeal" isn't as subtle as it used to be back in the day, but I almost feel like the secretary in the beginning of the commercial owes me an apology. Her unbuttoned shirt and high skirt are so blatant and obtrusive that it extends far beyond the "humorous" blatant sex appeal. Humorous blatant sex appeal done right is like Old Spice Commercials. Old Spice is klassy with its use of hot women: Hot women everywhere. And are you offended? No.
  
• Part of the awkwardness of the secretary's blatant sex appeal is that it doesn't really have anything to do with the... uh... "plot." Hot chick --> Dude getting blown --> Oh wait, it's actually --> 6-Hour Energy. Extreme lack of continuity.
  
• Can I get an AYE dubble you KAY dubble you AYE ARE DEE? AWKWARD. How on earth did this commercial get past censors anyhow? The repetitive motions, the sexual noises, the orgasm-- it's all too, too much. Again, I'd have to say, too blatant.
• The inconsistency is strong with this one. The timing of everything is all wrong, and the "pitch" is presented waaaay different than the rest of the commercial. While the pitch is macho-douchebag drill sergeant, the other elements are softcore porn.
• Was this filmed on a cell phone? If you put this commercial on mute and told me it was film proving the Roswell Conspiracy, I'd probably believe you. The whole commercial is grainy, unfocused, and the lighting is TERRIBLE. TERRIBLE! Terrible. Ter-rib-le.
• That "businessman" strikes me as an asshole. And not a business asshole. He seems more like a "if I chug this entire keg and then streak through the quad that chick says she'll bang me" asshole. To quote an equally perturbed YouTube user: "6 hour enegery is clearly a product for the douchebag date-rape fraternety style man." You said it, Pyrethryn.
  
• Why hasn't 5-hour energy gotten on their ass about this yet?? This is (word of the day) blatant copywright infringement... isn't it? Even if it's not, it's still obscene.
• THIS COMMERCIAL COMES ON WHILE MY DAD AND I ARE WATCHING FUTURAMA. Not cool. SO not cool.

1. Ecstasy. E. Yay. Thizz. Happy Pills. Methylenedioxymethamphetamine. This drug was practically taboo about 3 or 4 years ago. It was regarded as a "socially unacceptable drug." That's a psychology term, slick. For example, weed is a more socially acceptable drug; it's commonplace; people aren't all that shocked by it. But now, high schoolers are coming to class rolling. I've never heard of such a preposterous notion! But it's true. It's happening all over. More and more people are getting into ecstasy. From what I hear it's not that difficult. To quote Urbandictionary.com: "Ecstacy is the best! Sex is great(well i heard), water tastes the best, everything feels soft, I love this so much, it's a happy pill." The problem is, weed doesn't... really... do that much to you[5]. Oh, yeah, in the long run it'll affect your memory or whatever, but it's nothing life-threatening. But E... that'll put some holes in your head right-quick.


J-Mil's Blogs: Now With Footnotes!
[1]Completely fictitious statistic.*

[2]Did that sound dirty to you? Good.

[3] From 2:00 on of this video, for example.


[4] Bingo.

[5]


*But it could be legit. I'm not about to check.