Awkward Moment That Explains Why I'm Single #503

Awkward Moment That Explains Why I'm Single #502

This morning my Dad has a couple co workers over to train them. Something with the environment... I don't know... He's been commissioned to do this because he's really good at his job, even though they pay him shit.

I'm bad at social situations. I could more easily train to become an international ping pong champion before I could hold a conversation without any awkward pauses. So you can imagine my panic this morning as I rolled out of bed at the crack of noon... my hair looks like a pile of dirty laundry, I have a raccoon mask of mascara, I'm wearing silk boxers (because I'm a classy young man). And I really had to go the bathroom. There are two ways to get to the bathroom from my room. I can go through the back yard and through the living room, or I can go around the side yard and enter from the front door. My room is outside the rest of the house, in case that all sounded very sketchy to you.

I opted to take the side yard route since I assumed the men would be gathered in my living room. But just as I was about to open the gate to the front yard-- LO! There was a man standing in the front entryway of the house. The bathroom is right near the entryway anyhow (the guy who built our house built it sideways so the door to the side yard is actually our front door... yeah, I live in a Wayside gnome house, want to fight about it?), so no matter what I was going to have to interact with him. I booked it back around to the back yard and peeped in and-- LO! There were more men in the living room. I scurried back into my room. Trapped. Trapped like the drowned rat I resembled at that moment.


I'm serious about that dungeon though... "custom wine cellar" my ass.

I didn't know what to do. I couldn't face these men but I REALLY had to pee. I tried to wait it out. I tried folding laundry. I tried to spruce myself up a bit (but my hairbrush is in the bathroom... ARGH!). Finally I checked and saw they were outside eating where the "Sarah" dot is. So I swooped inside and did my business.

I was also hungry so I prepared myself some cereal, apples and yogurt for breakfast. I had the inside of the house to myself so I figured I'd eat some bee fast and watch tv... what show should happen to be on but the Misadventures of Flapjack!



YAAAAY!

So I was sitting there with my cereal, apples and yogurt, watchin' some 'toons, bladder empty, enjoying life in general... when the men came inside. I didn't know if I should greet them... that's usually what you do when you run into guests in your home, but like I said, potential ping pong champ. Finally they approached me to shake my hand from my comfortable and seated position in my recliner, eating breakfast, as all productive members of society do at 12:30 in the afternoon. They were not at all what I was expecting! They weren't geeky, stuffy white-collar men. They were... young! Like, late twenties. And the first one who shook my hand was ridiculously good-looking. So I tried to play the "boss's hot daughter" forbidden fruit kind of act... you know the one.

But leave it to me to murder sexy and bury it in the backyard along with... whatever else may be buried back there. I went to shake his hand, and I realized I had yogurt on my hand. I panicked. My hand was already moving towards his. So I quickly tried to wipe the yogurt off that hand and onto my other hand... WHY?! A hand is not a napkin! So not only did I not get all the yogurt off my finger, he clearly saw that I had had yogurt on my finger, had hastily attempted to smear it onto some other part of my body, and was still going in for the handshake. He smiled politely and shook my hand, but I saw a small flinch. I can't even remember his name, I was so preoccupied by my embarrassment. In addition to all of this I wasn't wearing a bra so my boobs probably looked like two dead jellyfish through my shirt, and I was watching Cartoon Network. I quickly shook the other guy's hand, collected my half-eaten breakfast, and went back to my room to hide.

I guess there were only two guys, the third was the caterer dropping off food... a decoy!

And fucking SHIT! Awkward Moment That Explains Why I'm Single #502.5! Mid-typing this post I realized I had to poo because I ate fiber cereal for breakfast... why, dear God, why?! So I tried to sneak in to the house and poo discretely. But the second I opened the door to the house who should I make direct eye contact with but Mr. Yogurt Hand! I literally flinched. Making the situation ten times more awkward. I couldn't poop now. What if he walked by the bathroom right after I had gone? I like to maintain the illusion that girls don't poop. This would ruin it, and would make me seem even less appealing. So instead of pooping I pretended I came inside for a water bottle. I got one and took it back into my room to hide... again... again.

But now I've been drinking this water bottle for the past hour SO NOW I have to pee AND poo but those men are still here! Dear God, please let this be over!

Awkward Moment That Explains Why I'm Single #503... when the few hot men I have friended on Facebook read this blog about me having to poop really bad, and thinking to themselves, "Holy shit, as I'm reading exactly what is written right now, J-Mil had to shit. It's like I'm a part of it now."