Scuttlebutt: The Hottest Post Yet! And Other Heat-Related Puns.

I am sitting before my laptop stripped down to my underwear. This isn't the most surprising thing, though, because I like to walk around in my underwear. But if, in some distant hypothetical world, it were not the custom, then it would give more weight to and validify the following statement:

Yeah, it's that hot.



P.S. I also like to use big words and formal logic language when I'm in my underwear.

On Saturday God's thermostat broke. So he called Satan over to fix the problem. Satan came up to check it out and said, "By God, you're right, I'll fix it right away!" God mumbled something about not taking the lord's name in vain then went out to run some errands while Satan took care of the problem.

Well, about an hour later God returned with an armful of groceries from Trader Joe's and no sooner had he walked in the door than his mochi ice cream began melting right out of the package.

"What the devil!" The suddenly British God exclaimed, sweating so profusely from the heat that he created an entire disgusting, polluted bay in Cerritos.

"You called?" Satan said. "I fixed your thermostat. I don't know how you got on before I showed up, it was freezing!"

God was speechless. He was frustrated by Satan's error, but being a compassionate God, he was able to forgive Satan. But then Satan gave him the bill and the extremely unreasonable charges pissed God the fuck off. So in a fit of displaced anger, he forced several Whittier students to go out and clean the bay in Cerritos.

And that is the story of why it's hot as hell out right now.



Yesterday I had some fun encounters with dehydration. I was sitting in my room around 7:30pm and it was STILL beastly hot. I began feeling kind of unusual. To quote myself because everything I say is a stroke of genius, I said to my roommate that I wasn't sure whether I was about to "laugh, cry or poop."

Later on, after concluding it hadn't been any of the three, I walked down the hall to the bathroom. I think I blacked out for a few seconds because as soon as I shut the door to the stall I had no idea where I was, and I stood in there looking around for a little bit. I figured out pretty quickly that I was in the bathroom, but what took longer was assessing which stall I was in. By the end I had a rough idea of which of the two stalls I was in, but I didn't look much further into it because I didn't think it was all that important to know.

Dehydration is the feeling of being drunk and catatonic. I felt that little tickle you get at the corners of your mouth after you've had your third shot, but I had no desire to move. But at the same time I had to move because I needed to feel air on my skin.

Conclusion: drink water, folks. This weather is unforgiving.