But overshadowing the excitement is a strange, less pleasant feeling in me. I can't quite depict or decipher it. It began a couple days ago. I had this dream where I was at Whittier, except by the look of the landscape it was in Scotland or some obscure, grassy, foggy part of Europe. The campus was huge and spread out, instead of small, communal and sunny. I couldn't find a bathroom ANYWHERE. It was a terrible feeling of being alone. But that's the weird part. All of a sudden, it was as though a ton of people I knew were going to Whittier. Ironically, of all these people, none were the one friend I have in real life who is joining me at Whittier. One friend was there and I went to hold his hand because I felt so lost. I remember thinking, "Wait... I didn't decide to go to Whittier just because HE goes here, did I?" And then I felt a little guilty. But he was with his friends and he cruelly shook me off of him and muttered that that couldn't happen here. I felt even worse. I was here in this cloudy, damp, overcast place and my friend was too cool to express any sort of connection with me. I stumbled into a dorm room, which looked like a dark barrack lined with clothes. Now that I think about it, the school looked sort of like Fort McHenry.
Used to go here with the grandparents... bizarre that it would creep up so many years later.
A big cluster of my friends lived in that dorm... like four of them. In my dream, of course, it didn't register that I knew for a fact they weren't going to Whittier. They were too busy packing and being dorm mates to really help me out. I still needed to find a bathroom.
I don't remember what happened in my dream after that. I remember another dream that further contributed to my feeling of [insert feeling here], but I don't remember if that was in the same night or the next night. Suffice it to say the dream was about jealousy; or so I've concluded.
Anyway, now I feel like I'm living in an anxiety attack. I haven't had those in quite some time, so I'm mildly concerned. This feeling has only been going on for a couple days; my wish is that it is NOT another long term attack. I have some pills a friend gave me... perhaps I'll try those. I've saved them for occasions such as this.
Another big elephant sitting in the room... of... my head... is angst. I feel angsty! Weird. I've just been puttering around for the past two years it seems; my life has slowed down considerably. And all of a sudden, I feel like walking around in studs and red heels again. Regression? Who knows! It's a fun feeling, just a little funny coping with its unexpected drop-in.
Well... shoot. I was feeling so anxious and angsty before I started typing what was originally going to be a short preface to some spur-of-the-moment poetry. Now that I've been going on a slight tangent, I don't quite know where my head is at. Am I satisfied? Am I anxious? Am I excited? Am I frustrated? Am I sexually frustrated? Am I worried? Am I around chlorine too much?
Let's take it all
Throw it in the back seat of the car
and drivedrivedrivedrivedrivedrive
Until the sun comes up on the peaks
And we can stare at it
But we'll only be thinking about the other's body
Taking everything
Throwing it into a van
Driving down the mainstreet
Laughing, swerving,
Making others nervous
Cowboy hats, spurs and all
We'll be absolutely ridiculous
Absofuckinlutely ridiculous
Let's sit on a cactus and giggle shrilly
Until the hills spurt grass
And the tongues lull softly
That we've done our part
And we should go home and do the dishes
Because they've really been stacking up and we're expecting company
But we'll take their wallets
And throw their kids' pictures into the gutter
And laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh
And kick some dude just because he's probably a douche
But we don't know who he is
He might volunteer at a church
That would be bad
But what if he is a douche
Let's steal everything from the windows
With bloody knuckles and spray-painted smiles
How fun! How worth it! How time consuming!
And eat and eat and laugh and sing off pitch
And make everyone want to intervene
But we've already stolen their iPods, so the joke's on them
And we scream and howl and make strange noises
Then go to sleep.
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